How do I keep going?

Its 2:10 PM on a Thursday in February. It’s cold enough. I am at work on my 15. I get up everyday hopeful. I get up everyday in a positive way. Then something comes along that happens that throws me all off track and makes me wish I was dead.

The level of hopelessness I experience on a daily basis is outrageous. It only takes one thing. It’s really upsetting to me that I’m just expected to not have feelings and or emotions about things..especially considering I am 5 months pregnant and dealing with some serious life circumstances. I know, I know, pull it together right?

Wrong.

Yeah I’m going through all of this and I haven’t ended up on drugs, or taken my own life. I deserve some fucking credit. So I’m patting myself on the back for the amazing job I’ve done over the last 3 months.

Good job Michelle. Good job keeping the bills paid. Good job keeping food in the house, and the lights on, and keeping everyone alive. Good fucking job. You deserve a break and or a mental breakdown..you earned it. Go for it. Don’t let anybody else let you feel like you’re not a person or your feelings don’t matter.

I have anger and rage inside beyond anything I could have ever imagined. Nobody understands the position I am in. Everything just being ripped away piece by piece, bit by bit. All I can do is watch it happen right in front of my eyes are there is no stopping it. To top it off I’m not supposed to let little things bother me either. Oh ok right.

I guess I’ll just be a robot with no feelings or emotions. Seems to be the way to fit in around here anyway..

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